205.5

Yes, yes, I got on the scale early. I know I should've waited until tomorrow, but you know me . . .

I'm pretty happy about the number. It's down two from a week ago. So why do you suppose I am so crabby today???? I am, in fact, crabby. Doesn't really matter what goes my way and what doesn't. Everything is getting under my skin today. Everything. And honestly, for the first time in a long time I have a really strong craving for sugar. And a little less will power than I've had over these past 7 weeks.

I apologize for sharing such unpleasantries today. But I guess if I'm opening up my life, I can open up some of the worm cans too. I'm not crabby very often. I can be irritable, sure. Impatient - definitely. But crabby and rude, not too often. The interesting thing about it is that I'm not on any medication for this. Once upon a time I was on anti-depressants for my temperment. And that's part of the reason I'm this fat to begin with. But for today it's just me, myself and I dealing with all these emotions. No happy pills. So I'm trying to figure out why I can't snap out of it. Why it makes me want sugar. Why it makes me want to eat. Being crabby doesn't naturally and automatically equate with hunger. I know it can be a trigger for a lot of people. Lots of emotions do that. But this is not one that I'm used to. In fact, I didn't think I had a whole lot of eating triggers. I like food, so I eat. Period. I've never denied that at all. And the weight gain? A combination of meds and laziness.

Today is different. I'm not sure why. I'm just so . . . irritated. Even sounds bother me. And I'm over my calorie intake limit. Don't get me wrong. I didn't eat a dozen donuts or anything. But I did eat too much. About 300 calories too much - putting me at 1750. And I did manage to avoid sugar. But I'm done tonight. It's already past 9. My body will just have to suffer. It's not like I'm really hungry anyway. I'm actually full. So I'll just deal with it, try to get to sleep early and wake up better tomorrow. I have a cold, a sore throat and the sniffles. So the extra sleep will be good for me anyway. I'm sure that is contributing to my mood in some way. That and my complete failure to excerise. I'm a little sick and tired of myself, actually. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's the bottom line. I'm tired of me. Sick of my own shortcomings. Sick of my failures. I don't know.

Tomorrow is another day. A new start. Another chance. And it's Ash Wednesday. A day of atonement, if you will. Or the beginning of six weeks of atoning. I haven't decided on any personal sacrifices yet. And since I'm already giving up so much, I'll be looking at what I can DO instead of what I can abstain from doing. I'll let you know what I decide.

Okay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Enough complaining. The Oscar in me is going to bed -- just as soon as House ends. lol. Pray for me. And I'll pray for you too. Grrrrr. . . . .