Ku Ku Kachew!

I never used to be susceptible to so many little flu bugs. Seems I always managed to escape any of the really nasty stuff other people caught. Not so anymore. I have been sick more frequently over the last two years than I have been throughout my life!

I have been fighting off a cold that really wants to kick my butt. Sore throat, swollen glands, sniffles, the chills. You know the story. And my body has been working pretty hard at keeping the monster at bay.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty groggy and achy, but I headed in to the gym to try and sweat it out. Luckily for me, hahaha, there wasn't a parking spot within two blocks. So I headed over to have a protein shake at the Let's Shake shop. And I sat there all teary-eyed and sick looking. But my phone rang and a friend wanted to go walk her dog. Even though it was only about 20 degrees, the sun was out and it was calling my name. I quickly hopped in my car and drove out to join her. It was, of course, wonderful. Thirty minutes of a pretty brisk wind-whipping was all it took to lift my spirits. And the great thing about having really fat thighs is that no blood circulates to those areas, so they numb up pretty quickly and you don't feel a thing! Yay! I was soooo grateful my friend thought of me. I think I would have wallowed in my stupor all day if she hadn't. It kept me pretty up all the rest of yesterday.

This morning I added a migraine headache to my cold symptoms, and I was down for the count. So I spent a great deal of today trying to sleep it away - to no avail. Almost made it worse. So I went outside to shovel. We're in the middle of a blizzard here in God's country. But I decided to sweat and get fresh air at the same time. It helped yesterday. And guess what? It helped again today! My headache and cold symptoms are not gone, but they have definitely diminished. And I think once the headache hits the road the rest of me will be fine. I don't do very well with suffering. Not well at all.

And the weird, dieter twist to all of this is that I have absolutely NO appetite. The thought of food makes me sick right now. Any food. I don't even want something to drink. Yuk! I'd rather shovel than use my energy thinking about what to make for dinner. So I may just skip it. If I do . . . anyone want to take bets that I can't stay off the scale tomorrow???? Yea. Curses.

Okay. I'm fading. And I'm getting foggy again. So I'm going to sleep a little. I REALLY hope I wake up more healthy tomorrow morning. Some little somebody deep down inside of me is ready to get back to work at the gym (I watched Biggest Loser last night. lol. Always an inspiration, that show.) Gotta get a move on.

If you have a home remedies you want to share, let me know! God love ya!

205.5

Yes, yes, I got on the scale early. I know I should've waited until tomorrow, but you know me . . .

I'm pretty happy about the number. It's down two from a week ago. So why do you suppose I am so crabby today???? I am, in fact, crabby. Doesn't really matter what goes my way and what doesn't. Everything is getting under my skin today. Everything. And honestly, for the first time in a long time I have a really strong craving for sugar. And a little less will power than I've had over these past 7 weeks.

I apologize for sharing such unpleasantries today. But I guess if I'm opening up my life, I can open up some of the worm cans too. I'm not crabby very often. I can be irritable, sure. Impatient - definitely. But crabby and rude, not too often. The interesting thing about it is that I'm not on any medication for this. Once upon a time I was on anti-depressants for my temperment. And that's part of the reason I'm this fat to begin with. But for today it's just me, myself and I dealing with all these emotions. No happy pills. So I'm trying to figure out why I can't snap out of it. Why it makes me want sugar. Why it makes me want to eat. Being crabby doesn't naturally and automatically equate with hunger. I know it can be a trigger for a lot of people. Lots of emotions do that. But this is not one that I'm used to. In fact, I didn't think I had a whole lot of eating triggers. I like food, so I eat. Period. I've never denied that at all. And the weight gain? A combination of meds and laziness.

Today is different. I'm not sure why. I'm just so . . . irritated. Even sounds bother me. And I'm over my calorie intake limit. Don't get me wrong. I didn't eat a dozen donuts or anything. But I did eat too much. About 300 calories too much - putting me at 1750. And I did manage to avoid sugar. But I'm done tonight. It's already past 9. My body will just have to suffer. It's not like I'm really hungry anyway. I'm actually full. So I'll just deal with it, try to get to sleep early and wake up better tomorrow. I have a cold, a sore throat and the sniffles. So the extra sleep will be good for me anyway. I'm sure that is contributing to my mood in some way. That and my complete failure to excerise. I'm a little sick and tired of myself, actually. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's the bottom line. I'm tired of me. Sick of my own shortcomings. Sick of my failures. I don't know.

Tomorrow is another day. A new start. Another chance. And it's Ash Wednesday. A day of atonement, if you will. Or the beginning of six weeks of atoning. I haven't decided on any personal sacrifices yet. And since I'm already giving up so much, I'll be looking at what I can DO instead of what I can abstain from doing. I'll let you know what I decide.

Okay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Enough complaining. The Oscar in me is going to bed -- just as soon as House ends. lol. Pray for me. And I'll pray for you too. Grrrrr. . . . .

Thunder Thighs

Mondays come around faster than any day of the week. Maybe it's a different day for you. But it seems like every time I turn around it's Monday again. And today was no exception. So I headed in to my 'Weight Loss Challenge' meeting at dinner time. I was down another 2+ pounds (which I won't report because it's different than my home scale). Not too shabby. But the real surprise was the inches. I lost a total of 5 inches from the various parts of my body this week. Except the thighs. Chest, bust, waist, hips, and upper arms. Not thighs. *!#@*!#@$&!

I am sure you can figure out that none of these numbers are small. They didn't start small, and they aren't small now. They will be soon enough - a few months to go for that. But right now, my thighs have the circumference of a small child. Well, okay. Maybe not a small child. And maybe not the measure of the big pink lady here. lol. But for sure they're as big as a couple of large watermelons. And I have to simply add here (sorry guys) that there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, more irritating than thighs that touch and/or rub together when you walk. I can't take it!!! There's so much friction I'm surprised my pants don't ignite! It's just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

And while we're on the subject of thighs, can I also say that women really get the raw end of the genetic deal on this? I know the whole theory behind the need for wider hips and child bearing and all of that blah, blah, blah. But the way that weight goes on and comes off of a woman's body is just flat out unfair!!!! Why is it that when you gain weight it goes to the hips and thighs first and then to the upper body, but on the way down it's the opposite? I mean, why can't our thighs follow the normal rules of inventory? First in, first out. Everything else works that way. Everything. But noooooo, not thighs.

Well okay fine, then. I'll just deal with it. However, if any of you are aware of a way, short of liposuction, to get a little jump start on the helium balloon that makes up my thighs and butt, be sure an drop me a note. Otherwise I'll just keep counting calories and skating and getting on the treadmill. It's working for me, and that's what's most important. Right? Right.

Ok so until tomorrow, God bless you all!

206

Yes, it really says 206! I am so, so, so happy! Seems like just last week I was complaining about 210. Oh that's right, it was just last week!!! Hahaha. But let me tell you honestly, I cannot wait to get out of "twoderville" and into "one-derland" again. It's been such a long time. Well, maybe not a looooonnnnngggg time, but it's been over a year and 1/2 for sure. I am so very, very tired of scale digits that start with the number 2.

My goal is to make to one-derland by the second week in March. Of course, the only way that's possible is if I get my hiney exercising like mad. So I guess that's what I will have to do. Now where did I put that motivation?????

Meanwhile, I am still wearing the same, horrible, humongous size 18 jeans. Oh yea, they're looser. Maybe even a smidgen big. Not big enough to drop to the next size, unfortunately. The majority of my weight seems to be coming off of my upper body. So each day I'm looking more and more like - yep - Marilyn Monroe. Lucky me! Really. Her shape is very similar to where I am headed. If I'm not mistaken, she was a size 12 or so - by 50 year old standards anyway. Interesting how her shape is probably considered chunky by current standards. Me and Marilyn. Chunky buds. Who would have thought it?

The thing is, if I want the great CURVES she has, as opposed to the blob look that I'm currently sporting, my exercise will have to focus on those trouble spots that I call thighs. And if I can hone in on those, I can drop down a pants size. And then I can get rid of those size 18 jeans forever -- which of course frees up a ton of space in my closet because those jeans are made of ALOT of material. They're huuuuuuuggggggeeeeee! lol. Then maybe I'll pick up one of those cute little white dresses and stand over a street vent!!!

The gym, the gym, the gym. Does it seem to you that I always come back to the same stumbling block? Yea, me too. I must have some mental issue with this. I'll have to really ponder this if I want to overcome my aversion to sweating my butt off and working my muscles to the point of fatigue. What's my real problem with being sore and achey? I'll figure it out and let you know! :)

Until I do, I'll just keep pushing. And pulling. And posting. I'm off to bed. Sleep tight everyone!

Another Unordinary Day

I'm not at all sure that any day in my life is what others would call "ordinary." I get up, count calories, fret about exercise -- you know, the usual stuff. But it seems that something always happens to make my life saucy. And today was one of those. It began as an ordinary day. I got up and met a friend for a little figure skating. It was super!!! I seemed to get back alot of the balance I lacked last week. There may even have been a hint of, dare I say, "grace"? Well, all the grace that's possible for a 207 pound woman bounding around an ice rink anyway. But I wrapped my blister spots and loosened my laces a bit. 45 minutes and pretty decent sweat later, I was pretty pleased.

I headed home later for a well-deserved nap. Have I ever mentioned how much I love to take naps? To a fault, my friends. To a fault! Anyway, my day took a CRAZY turn around 3-ish. I got a call from a friend who asked if I would be the best man at his wedding. Yep, best man. Not because I'm as big as man. No, hahaha. But because the wedding was taking place at 7:00 tonight and, well, his guy friends were not available on such short notice. But he didn't care. Having me as a "best man" was the next best thing. And the officiating priest was none other than my friend Fr. Pablo Straub. My friend and his wife of 20 years had been married in a civil ceremony, but never in the church. The whole thing was fabulous! They took vows and received their blessing on the heels of one of Father's great homilies! Tt was pretty incredible!

And of course we got pictures of the whole thing. That would be the downside, however. I mean, even though I didn't have to stuff myself into a satiny and shiny bridesmaid's dress, the view of my backside on the altar was more than a little depressing. But at least now I have some new "incentive" pictures. Some people call pictures like that "thinspiration." I can't. The only thing "thin" about these pictures was my other friend pictured in them - the matron of honor. But don't worry! I'm good with this. I know it's coming off. I know it's not more than a few months or so away. And the pictures only cement my determination. So tomorrow, it's back to the ice rink. AND the gym. No more blisters. No more excuses.

And that's the scoop today. Oh! And I won't be getting on the scale tomorrow because I weighed in on Wednesday. Maybe I'll just hop on there every two or three days. Yea. Good plan.

So have a spectacular Friday all! I'll be back again soon. Until then, I thank God for His amazing grace. I pray that He'll continue to give us all a little swat with His heavenly staff when we need it. Baaaahhhh! God Bless ya!!!

207.8

I know, I know. I shouldn't weigh every day. But it was definitely worth it!!!! That said, I'm off to a hockey game. I'll be back tomorrow!

And We Were Singin'

Well the last two days have been anything but exciting, I must admit. I know why, too. It's because life without the scale is just barely worth living. I know this to be true. I'm a scale junkie. I am. And I'm thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, I should start getting on it every day again. I KNOW that there are many who would argue against this -- but it helps keep me on the straight and narrow. Thankfully I don't have to do anything rash . . . I can decide tomorrow.

In the meantime, I can report that I had my weigh-in for the weight loss challenge. I was down two pounds and more inches. I will, at some point, report the inches. I just don't have a record of them on hand. I have to get them from the nutritionist. I will, I will. I promise. What this means though, it that I will be two pounds less when I weigh in on Friday. Hurray, hurray!!!!

I should also report that although the blisters on my feet have healed, I haven't done any exercise for a full week. Naughty, naughty, naughty. But of course I don't mind, and that's worse yet. Just when I start thinking I am getting into the "habit" of exercise, I take a little "rest." Just when I think I actually don't mind the work, I suddenly hate it again. It's self-sabotage, so I have to really start focusing and get going again. Not killing myself doing it, but doing it every day. Then it will be a habit. And then maybe I will actually start to like it.

So . . . want to know how I spent my day of no exercise today? I had a visit from my very dear friend, Fr. Pablo Straub. He's a Redemptorist Order priest who lives in Mexico where he started a new religious order for both men and women. Amazing! And he's kinda of a big deal. He's like a Catholic celebrity, appearing on EWTN and doing missions all over the world. So he stopped to visit me with one of the nuns from the convent and two other people. Such a great surprise! So we sat at my kitchen table. No, not praying. Singing. And not Kumbaya either. We sang our favorite songs from the Sound of Music. Yep. That's the catholic in me! :) "Eidleweiss, eidleweiss" . . . Of course the other three people there think Father and I are loopy, but who cares? Life is good. And we sang well!! lol. And we ate well too - sandwiches and veggies. All healthy and good.

That's it. Pretty dull, yes. So maybe going back to the gym will give me a jump start. Walk, skate, swim? I'll do something. Something. And then I'll report back. Until then, if you're interested in Father's work, you can check out this website: http://www.windowtotruth.com/. Good stuff!!! Feeds the spirit instead of the stomach. We all need more of that. So okay. You all have a good evening. Goodnight and God Bless!

Sunday Funday

I think I have now passed the point of what might be termed a "normal" relationship with food. I mean, I keep track of every little calorie I put in my mouth. I log and tally all through the day, which makes for a bit of an obsessive-compulsive thing on my part anyway. But last night I knew with all certainty that I'd gone over the edge.

I went to a hockey game. At one point in the game a penalty was called, which the referee signaled by lifting his bent arms to chest level and making a rolling motion. The woman next to me innocently asked what the signal meant, to which I replied: "roll it, pat it, mark it with a 'B' . . . . ah, yea. I'm pretty sure that no one else thought of the Baker's Man when that ref rolled his arms. Ya think?

The people around me were speechless for a moment, then laughed and corrected me. For the record, the signal is "charging," which means the the player took more than three steps before checking a player from the opposing team. It has absolutely nothing to do with baking me a cake as fast as you can! Ha!

In any event, although I had planned to go out to dinner with the team after the game, I opted for a meal with the coach, trainer and some other very important people. I splurged with two glasses of wine (8 oz of a Riesling is about 180 calories). I also had a fabulous chicken cranberry salad. The waitress was kind enough not to choke when I asked her to go back to the kitchen and get the nutritional information on the dressing. Even more so when I asked her to measure out exactly 2 tablespoons of it so I could keep track of what I was eating. But that's what I did. And that's what she did. And I'm glad.

So another good weekend. And tomorrow, it's back to the ice!!! I was finally able to put on regular shoes. Then I bought wrap and tape and band aids, so I'm ready to burn it up. You'll have to look up the numbers for burning calories ice-skating. They're so high its crazy!! Now tomorrow the schools are out for president's day. The rink will be more crowded so I am quite sure I will get a few chuckles from the younger, more graceful skaters. I don't care. I'm Dorothy Hamel, remember?

Okay, so I'm signing off here or I'll end up sleeping right through open skating time. Good night all. And God Bless.

Happy Valentine's Day

Well let me start by apologizing for not posting yesterday. Believe it or not, it completely slipped my mind! I know, I know. The obsessive, dieting blogger forgot to post. I made the mistake of starting a book late yesterday afternoon and, well, finished about 3:00 in the morning. Twilight. A teen vampire/love story. Interesting read, but I'm definitely not going to read the other 3 in the series. The first was plenty, and I need to get busy with other things . . . like helping my mother. Which I plan to do. I promise, mom!!

Anyway, I want to report that after my miserable day I got back on the scale. Much to my surprise there was no change at all. I was the same. I was very grateful, to say the least. And so, I started again. Well, I kept going, if I want to be accurate. I did what I have been doing since the beginning of January. Watching calories. I laughed at myself for the funny choices I made on Thursday. I mean, an extra cup of Kashi Lean cereal???? Regular soy milk instead of light soy milk??? Oooohhhh! That's just craziness!!! What was I thinking???? lol.

My body had pretty much recovered from skating by yesterday, but I had a terrible blister on my left bunion. It ripped and was really sore, so I ended up in slippers all day Friday -- even at my regular Friday lunch with the gals. No treadmill. (I know, I know. It was sad for me, too). So I ate smart and I'm back in good shape emotionally. I have to take a look at my knee-jerk reactions and see if I can't modify them in some way. You know, channel that energy and anger and frustration. Maybe I should take up boxing (an anonymous someone gave me that idea) and get one of those bags that hang from the ceiling. What are they called again?

Oh well, it doesn't matter. I will work it out and post as I do. In the meantime, just a little tidbit. See the candy up there in the corner? Each of those little bad boys is approximately 210 calories. No kidding!! I can't imagine what must be in a truffle. Yikes! As for me, my valentine treat to myself is to have a late post-game dinner with a bunch of hockey players. The restaurant has lots of great choices, so I should be fine. If all else fails, there's salad!

Thank you, thank you for keeping good track of me. I don't intend to let any of us down. And God is very good to me, even when I'm not so good to Him. And I trust Him to take me the rest of the way on this journey, and you too, for that matter. I think He really likes us. :)

P.S. to Galyn: Thanks honey. You are such a great friend. And you reminded me that yes, I do have my measurements. Not quite ready to share THOSE, but maybe sometime soon -- like June or something! Hahaha.

Get Ur Freak On

Today has been horrible. Horrible. Horrible!! I feel like Otis, the chubby drunk from Mayberry. He could never quite get his act together. And that was me today.

My body ached everywhere when I woke up. I'm thinking that the ice-skating used some muscles that have lain dormant for a couple of years. I could hardly move. And then I made a big, BIG mistake. I got on the scale a day early. And that was it. My day ended. The scale number was the exact same as it read last week. No, no, no, no, no!!!!! I can't take it. Not today. I need a reward each week, and if lower numbers don't show, it's not worth it.

I thought I was prepared for a plateau. Apparently I'm not. So I turned around and pretty much topped out in calories today. I ate about 2300 total. And here's the kicker-- it was 2300 healthy calories. Yea. You would think I would have wasted it on chocolate cake or donuts or something. Nope. I'm either too stupid or to chicken to do that. I had Kashi Lean (High Fiber) cereal, smokehouse almonds, a protein bar and a protein shake, string cheese -- you get the picture. And by the end of the day I was so beyond irritated that I ate a BK cheeseburger for good measure. Just to sort of prove that I had rally blown it. AND I didn't excercise. No skating, no treadmill. It was complete diet anarchy!

I don't think I can handle a plateau. I don't know if I will get on the scale tomorrow or not. I probably will, just because I'm a numbers junkie. But I can't keep on and on if the weight doesn't drop. So here's the question: how do you break a plateau? Seriously. I could use help here. . . . I despise the weight I'm at now. I would be thrilled just to get out of the 200's.

I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is another day. Another big fat day. Ugh!!!!

Escapades

Or should I say ice capades? I always wanted to be in the Ice Capades. I used to try and do all sorts of spins and jumps and tricks. I thought I was a pretty good figure skater for someone who never had skating lessons. But for those of you who share my enthusiasm for this sport I have a news bulletin: getting back into your ice skates after a long hiatus is not remotely close to getting back on a bicycle. You don't just hop on the ice and go -- much to my shock and dismay.

It's been at least 7 years since I've been on ice skates. And truthfully, I don't recall having any problem at all getting right out there and spinning around, skating backwards and pretending I was Dorothy Hamel. I mean, it was fine. No problem. This morning, on the other hand, THAT was hilarious. Not at first, of course. But eventually I got used to the idea that I had obviously outgrown (either physically or otherwise) the raw, natural talent I used to possess.

When I put my skates on they felt a little bit snug, but I was fairly comfortable in them. They were freshly sharpened so I stepped confidently out on the ice. I was the only one there at first, which turned out to be a blessing. I spent the next 20 minutes stumbling, slipping and tripping on my toe piks. I wiped out, bounced of course, broke a small blood vessel in my wrist. I lost my balance countless times and I no longer have any idea how to stop. That sideways "stop and spray" that I used to do so effortlessly is a a thing of the past. Now I just skate headlong into the boards. Bam! I stop. It was really a trip!

I stopped a couple of times to adjust my laces so they weren't quite so tight at the top. That helped. And then I just kept on skating. "Whoop, whoop!" But I kept on. And after a while, some of that movement became familiar again. I even started to think that if I keep up with this I might very well get to the point where I'm pretty good at it again. And then maybe the lady who is one of the regulars skaters there that will stop telling me I "should really be wearing a helmet." Excuuussse me? Don't you know that deep down I'm really Dorothy Hamel?????

Anyway, it was really a lot of fun. I am not the least bit embarrassed by my lost talent. It'll return, as I plan to. Right after I buy some gauze and bandaids to cover the five blisters I got from those skates. Yes, blisters. Bad ones. Sooooo dumb! But if I can get past that, I have a lot of calories I can burn out there. And it's a work out, that's for sure! But just in case -- I got on the treadmill tonight for 30. Yay me!

I'm off. I didn't sleep too well last night so I am hoping to catch up tonight. Then it's ibuprofen and a new day! Ya gotta love it!

Chili and Frank

Hey there all! I am up and back at it again today. I intended to apologize for being so depressing yesterday but I changed my mind. You know what? It's part of the process. It is what it is. And although I continue to have fleeting low moments, they always revolve around how much I still have to lose. But I am getting better and better at reminding myself of two critical elements: First, the summer months are going to come around no matter what I do. And they'll be here in the blink of an eye. Second, the weight coming off is a SIDE EFFECT of the changes I am making in my life. Taking better care of myself is a lifestyle change. I don't have any intention of picking up where I left off on January 2nd. I like being able to cross my legs!

I'm not kidding!!! Did I ever mention that one of the added little oddities I have experienced being overweight has been that you can't cross your legs at the knees? Soooo irritating. You wouldn't think so, but it honestly bugs the bajeebers outta me. I can't wait until I don't have to cross my feet at the ankles, or worse yet, keep both feet on the floor. Ugh!!

That said, and moving right along, I want to share my really fun chili story with you. In an effort to have some tasty meal options, I made a pot of chili using ground turkey instead of ground beef. I made up the recipe, and it turned out really good. I tested it on the women in my family, who tested it on their families. Success all around. But here's the fun part: My sister-in-law made a pot of the chili and entered it in a chili cook-off at a cooking store near her home. And guess what? Yep -- first place! HA! Cool beans! Or should I say hot tamale???

I am going to close tonight by posting the recipe here. Also, I want to say thanks again for the great comments! I'm gonna sing myself to sleep . . . me and Franko are buds. :) Goodnight my friends.

TURKEY CHILI

Add a small amount of virgin oil in the bottom of a large stock pot (maybe 1/4 cup).

2 pounds ground turkey

Brown the ground turkey as you add the following:

1 medium onion, chopped

1 red pepper, chopped

1 green pepper, chopped

1 orange or yellow pepper, chopped

Add 3 cans tomato sauce (I use sauce w/Italian herbs)

2 cans low-sodium stewed tomatoes

3 cans of water (I just use the tomato cans)

Sprinkle the following so it covers the top of the liquid with a light layer:

black pepper

white pepper

garlic powder

Add 1/2 tbsp. salt

1 teaspoon sugar

A short sprinkle of crushed red pepper.

Pour chili powder to create a thick blanket that covers the top of the liquid in the same way as above.

Adjust your spices to your taste, but give it an hour to simmer before you do. Hard to tell otherwise.Stir all of the above and allow to simmer for several hours.
Add two cans drained kidney beans.

Optional: one can drained/rinsed black beans (great protein but extra calories).

Yummmyyyyy! I promise!

Day by Day

Hello! Sorry I didn't post over the weekend. I got a little busy. We had company here, and my sister and I spent the day with them. I have to say, I think that the social aspect of life can be a killer for people trying to lose weight. It's really difficult to go out with people because eating is such a big part of the social equation. I thought I did a pretty good job in spite of it, but it's incredible how hard it is. They offered us some fabulous avocado spread with crackers, wine, garbanzo bean salad, shrimp, turkey . . . yummy stuff. Well I had a glass of wine and some of the shrimp and a little avocado spread -- and then simply passed on the rest. But we got home late and by then I was starving. Had a roast beef sandwich with mustard that filled me up fast. I just don't like eating so much at 9:00 at night.

So it was back to the gym today. I worked out over the weekend, but skipped Saturday instead of Sunday. My knees and hips were pretty sore from yesterday so I just did the best I could. I need to keep at it.

Tomorrow morning I'm going ice skating, so I'll have lots to report. Just pray that it's not about a broken ankle or arm or something. lol. By the way -- my weight after the huge scale fiasco last week stayed at 210. I was pretty pleased. I'm not thrilled when I consider how long it's going to take to get the rest off. I hate even thinking about it. And I am still embarrassed at the gym when I go there. Not every time, but enough. I may have my victories but I am still really big. And I get so tired of it. I just want to fast forward to June or July. I also want to say I'm just having a low day. But the truth is, I feel that way alot. So I guess I'm disappointed in myself after all. Disappointed that I got here to begin with. That I didn't take control sooner.

I don't have any answers why. Honestly, I would like to blame the various medications I have taken over the last 5 years. But it isn't just the meds. I know that. I just wish the healing process didn't take so long.

Alright, alright. Enough belly-aching. Tomorrow is another day. Another victory of some kind. And June will be here soon enough. And I plan to be in the 170's by then. I'll get there. But pray for me. I could use it right now. Nothin' to worry about. Just a little extra, you know? And I'll see you tomorrow!

210.5!

There's a demon living in my bathroom. I'm sure of it. And since today was my day to weigh in, that demon got busy to make my life miserable!

I hopped on the scale as usual. I knew immediately something was wrong because it said 208. Uhhhh, yea. Not possible. So I got back on. 212.5. Uhhhh, yea. Now I'm nervous. Off. On again. 211. What the???? And so began my little salsa scale-dance. On. Off. Step forward. Step back. Yee ha! Ondulay! WORK those hips. OWN those numbers!

Utterly ridiculous! I never got the same number twice. And I'm sure it goes without saying that my mood went from completely anxious to very, very bad. I stormed around with my insides on FIRE I was so frustrated. And then, thankfully, my sister intervened. "Time for a new scale," she said. What??? "Get a new scale. One that works right. Once on, once off. Done." she said. And so we did. We went out and got me a new scale. Cool one too. One of those fancy schmancy glass ones that lets you see your weight to the tenth of a pound (as opposed to the 1/2 pound increments of my old one). But there was no way I was giving up any of the weight I'd lost. So the first thing we did was compare. Thankfully for me (and I guess you now too), they match!!! Hurray!!!

So there it is. My weight is down another 2 pounds - give or take 5. Hahaha. I'll keep you updated because I will do another weigh-in tomorrow so that I have it straight in my head. Because as you know all too well by now, I live by those numbers. I just need to be sure.

Other than the critical element of my weight, my food intake was okay. Too low today. Only 750 calories. That's not good. I have eat to lose. Such an unfair contradiction, don't you think? But my exercise was good. Treadmill 20 and water agony 10, maybe 15. New muscles aching tonight. But it's good. Really. No, really!

So it's off to bed now. But before I lay me down to sleep, I just want to thank you for the wonderful comments I get. They really have an impact on me. I have been thinking all day today about how I got where I am. And the more weight I drop, the more honest with myself I can be about that. Right now I'm still either partially blind or a flat out liar, so I will keep you posted as I know those answers too. But thank you. Thank you for giving me such great advice.

Okay. Nuf said. May God bless you with something special tomorrow. And may He bless me with both the courage to continue this journey and the wisdom to see the positive side of what I endure to get there. Amen. A.M.E.N.!!!

Drinkin' Wine Spoli Oli

So my sister is up visiting me this week and will stay through the weekend. We've been doing great on our eating and I am showing her some of the tricks to sticking to the calorie regimen I've set up. Of course she's a lot lighter than me, so she doesn't get to eat as many calories if she wants to lose weight. Surprise!!! Who knew there would be a down side to being thin? Ha!

Anyway, my sister really missed her calling in life. She was meant to be the warden at a prison for hardened criminals or something. She doesn't take "no" for an answer, and that held true tonight when I wanted to skip my treadmill. Let me first explain that I fully intended to get on the treadmill. I wasn't being lazy. Strangely, everything went wrong on my way to do that, and I quickly became very, very crabby. CRABBY!!! And I didn't have the right headphones for my ipod, and I couldn't find a fan in the 90 degree room, and the ipod player kept cutting out on me, and another little person with us was irritating me to no end, and on and on and on . . . I finally got on, but I couldn't shake the rotten mood. So I worked hard on the treadmill for 20 minutes and got off. To no avail, however. I was short 10 minutes of cardio, so my sis made me get in the pool and swim to make up the missing 10 minutes. So I reluctantly climbed in. But that wasn't really enough. She made me WORK those last 10 minutes. My legs are killing me! It works different muscles and ouch!!! After my 10 minutes of hard swimming she had me doing water aerobics, working the sides of my legs.

In the end, I was thrilled. And my sister worked pretty hard herself. So yay us! And that makes it possible for us to have a glass of wine together and spend a little extra time in the pool this weekend. SO yay us again!!!! Hahaha.

I'll let you know how the rest of the weekend goes. We're gonna keep at it. Take care all, and God Bless you real good!!!

I Spy With My Little Eye

Sometimes it's amazing how we can be so blind to the certain things in our lives that we just don't want to see. I was talking to someone today about how long it took me to see myself -- really see myself -- for how BIG I had become. Truly. My eyes refused to see what was happening to my body these last few years. Did I mention that it took a mere 3 years to add 70 pounds to my physique? Yep. Not long at all. And I knew it was happening. Obviously. I felt it in my bones, my back, my checkbook. New pounds meant I needed new clothes. Up, up and away!

And it was HORRIBLE getting bigger. I was terribly embarrassed. I hated going anywhere because I had grown so big so quickly, and I just kept adding. So I knew it, but played some whacked out mind game that didn't let me see just how big I looked. And I couldn't seem to get my head around what was happening or why. Nor can I really pinpoint what made me open my eyes. Something snapped, but not in a profound, climactic moment. It just seemed to happen. Like someone raising the shade on a window. One day I just "saw" what I looked like and knew it was time to change.

But I can tell you this much - it feels a lot different going the opposite direction. It's easier to cope with large sizes because I know that I won't be in them for much longer. And I am grateful, really grateful, for getting back some of the things I didn't even know I missed. Sitting like a pretzel, for instance. I haven't been able to to that for 13 pounds. I can FINALLY sit like a pretzel again. Not for a long time, mind you. The stuff inside my legs that is not muscle has no where to go, so it can be uncomfortable after a bit. But at least I can do it! OH!!! And praying? Well -- and let me just apologize in advance to members of the male persuasion who are reading along -- praying is getting back to normal too! For a while there my folded hands rested on . . . well. . . let's just say my front end was so big I was praying to myself. My folded hands now point to heaven again instead of my chin. As it should be. lol.

These may not seem like a big deal, but they matter to me. And each is a great victory. I plan to have a lot more of them too. But don't worry, I'll share. :)

It's been a long day. Good for calories, no workout. Tomorrow I'll get it done. For tonight, I'm "steady as she goes." Hurray! I'm off. Nighty night.

P.S. to Yesterday's Anonymous: WOW!!!! That was a really good one!!! Thanks.

Treadmill 2

Hello, hello! Sorry I missed you all yesterday. I was so busy I honestly did not have a minute to breathe. I kept busy right up until 11:30 and then zonked off to bed. The alarm this morning came way too soon. Oh how I love to sleep!!

I have an update on my workout situation. As you know, I have struggled terribly with getting on the treadmill. But I have pushed myself to the limit on this because I know how important it is. We had a heatwave this weekend - 39 degrees- so I opened up my garage doors and hopped on my treadmill. It was wonderful!! First time in a long while that I have actually enjoyed being on there. I alternated between running and walking. Tough business, but if those folks on the Biggest Loser haven't broken their legs off at the ankles by now then I won't either! I kept thinking that because I am basically shaped like a big fat pear my legs would surely break under the weight of it all if I tried to run. Hahahaha. But I did run and they didn't break!

Running on the treadmill is a unique experience all in itself. First of all, I can't run fast unless I have some good music with a beat. For me, that includes rap music. The lyrics to rap music can be quite interesting, to say the least. As I'm running, for example, I'm forced to consider the question "Is that yo a** or's your momma 1/2 reindeer?" I mean, who THINKS like this???

And while we're at it, let me just define "fast" here. Fast for me right now is 4.2. Slow by most people's standards. But I can't go any faster yet. I will eventually. But even when I get there I know that the highest number will be 6.0. I have a friend who runs like 7.5 on the treadmill. I wanted to know what it felt like, so one time I tried to increase my treadmill to that speed. All I kept thinking was that in about 2 seconds I was going to fly off the back of the treadmill and smash into the wall like a bug! Toooo fast. I need a slower pace than that if I want to live! :)

In any event, Sunday, the day of rest, I really needed the rest because my leg muscles ached! Who knew that you use such different muscles when you run? And you want to hear something really wierd? Having sore muscles feels kinda good. No idea why. None at all. But it does. So I repeated the treadmill work yesterday and again today. My thighs hurt. HURT!! And I guess I don't really mind. Ibuprofen can be a very good friend. And my bod' is going to be all the better for it!

Alrighty then. I'm off to do a bunch a errands. ONE of them is getting a whatchamacallit for my Wii so I can go snowboarding tonight. I'll let you know how that goes . . . . hahaha. God love ya. And if you get a chance: Hebrews 12:1. It's all good.

Hunger

Okay, today I am starving. Starving! I mean I'm really hungry. I woke up hungry, and it's pretty much stuck with me all day long. And now I'm trying to decide how to deal with it. I haven't had very many days like this since I started my program a month ago. And isn't this what it all comes to, after all? My appetite?

I had a friend in college who used to take a bite of her food, chew it up, and then spit it out. The taste of the food alone was enough for her. She didn't need to swallow it and avoided getting all those calories. So I tried it. I spit, and spit, and spit. And when I was all done spitting, I was hungry again. And I decided that this system would never work for me because I would always be hungry. Besides, it would present a problem whenever I wanted to go OUT to eat. And I really like going out to eat.

I had other friends who used more extreme measures to get rid of calories they ate. I could never really get into that stuff. Oh, I tried it once or twice, but I wasn't very good at it. Aside from the fact that I thought my index finger was too short to make the whole deal work properly, I always thought getting sick to your stomach was something to avoid. Bringing it on intentionally? Aahhh, thanks, but I really like having the enamel on my teeth. Plus, I kind of prefer sit-ups to the wrenching contractions of my insides. Call me crazy, I know.

Fast forward to this morning. Bad choices for food almost all day. I had a protein bar before church -- timing it perfectly with my communion fast of course (150 calories). I had a yogurt parfait from Mickey D's afterward (65), along with 1/2 of a six-inch turkey sammy from Subway. (BTW, I have them use one packet of light mayo on my sub. Works well.) After two consecutive hockey games, I ate the second half of the sub (350 total for both halves). At home a little while later, I ate two rice cakes with peanut butter. (great snack!!) That brings my total calories for the day to 835. But now it's getting late and I have to eat more calories, but I don't have a meal lined up. I am super hungry, so I am avoiding the kitchen until I have decided exactly what I am going to eat for the rest of the night. If I don't, it will be a big problem. Temptation city. I know me.

I've been trying to plan much better than this -- but we all get caught in this situation now and again. The idea is to work thru it without throwing all of my hard work out the window. And I won't do that. I refuse. I REFUSE TO GIVE IN just because I'm feeling a little hungry! I'm not starving for real. It would be a loooooonnnnnnggggg time before I would starve to death. lol.

Alright. So. A decent amount of protein today, but I also had too many carbs, no fruit and no veggies. Bad choices. And the analysis doesn't alleviate my hunger. I want something satisfying that's not going to cause a spike in my appetite in 3 hours. So I am going to go in and make a chocolate banana protein shake. 250 calories and 25g of protein. That will fill me up pretty well. Then if I am still hungry I will make a can of Healthy Choice soup @ 220. Add fat free crackers to bring my day's total to 1375. Done. Decided. I'm running to the kitchen . . .

Whew!!! Another good day. Not the best day, but a good day. God's day. And you know what? I'm gonna offer up my hunger today. Give it a divine purpose, let God use whatever good He can extract from it for something better. And tomorrow I will plan better. Yea. A good day.

P.S. to my yesterday Anonymous: Stick with me and soon you'll see, just how skinny we can be! :)